Out of the depths

Past blog entries have attempted to express my feelings of freedom and joy at finally being out from under the weight of oppression and depression that had characterized my entire life. Maybe a lot of people can't relate to the incredible feeling of having a weight lifted off one's shoulders. I have heard stories all my life of people being set free by Christ but could never understand what it meant. I was always jealous of those people which would usually lead to cynicism. "Oh sure you're free, just wait until the shoe drops and then we'll see how free you really are."

Well, for me it's been about 6 months since this journey of freedom began. I'm not saying that I never screw up, but I can declare with confidence that I now know what it means to be free and can proclaim in the words of the Jesus: "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed".

Several years ago when I was probably at the lowest point of my life, a time when my life was almost completely out of control, I wrote the lyrics to a song. These are the words of a tortured soul, the words of someone who has come almost completely under the control of darkness, who is attempting to fill with depravity that emptiness that can only be filled by the bread of life.

I don't share these words to depress anyone, or even to evoke pity, I think these words were really a cry out of the depths, a cry of hopelessness, fear and rage; the cry of a creature of the night compelled to slowly devour itself and others in order to satisfy the hunger within.

verse 1:

It's the blood child, it's the blood
don't you see it, don't you know

It flows through your body
like wine or like fire
and it won't ever leave you alone

You can cry all you like
for the peace of the night
but the truth is a scream or a moan

It's the night love, it's the night
can't you feel it, can't you see

Its whispers seduce you
with words soft and warm
but it won't ever let you be free

You can run to the light
crave its withering might
in the end it is just you and me

chorus:

In the end it is just you and me
two souls stranded so far from home

Wandering hopelessly, helplessly
tired and alone
in the end it is just you and me

In the end it is just you and me
feeding hungers that mock and consume

seeking solace in pleasures that
fade all too soon
in the end it is just you and me

verse 2:

It's the pain child, it's the pain
don't you see it, don't you know

His strength is your master
he bends your free will
and you dance like a clown in his show

You can struggle and fight
to be free from his might
but in dreaming your feet are too slow

It's the rage love, it's the rage
can't you feel it, can't you see

It pulsates within you
a sensual flame
that strains in your chest for release

You can bring them all down
make them kiss the cold ground
in the end it is just you and me

repeat chorus:

Now the words of the Psalmist make so much sense to me.

Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;

Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Psalm 130:1-6